50 Shades of Grey

A Modest Proposal: 50 Shades of Grey in Every Classroom!

If you are as deeply disturbed as I am about the new "sexual revolution" spawned by this book, would you help spread the word about this noxious book and movie? And------why have I written this as satire? As Flannery O'Connor has said, when people are deaf, sometimes you have to shout. 
Blessings and Thank you,


Thank goodness for E. L. James and her masterpiece, 50 Shades of Grey. And what genius timing---just before Valentines Day!  I for one am breathing a sigh of joy and relief. Finally someone has addressed our greatest social need! Yes, we are at war in various parts of the world, and there are oppressive and violent regimes across the waters, but there's an even greater war and greater need right here on our own soil: sexual repression. James, in a turn of brilliance, has pitched her considerable artistic skills toward this social ill. We can all be thankful for this trilogy which promises to finally unravel our dangerously puritanical culture where sex, our very life force, is virtually invisible in media, in our schools, in the public square. Look around. The  repercussions of this repression are obvious: far too many couples stay married out of obligation and duty only rather than pursuing their happiness and exploring their own sexuality. Young men and women, most of whom currently remain chaste before marriage, enter their honeymoon with no sexual experience whatsoever. It will take them years to gain the proficiency needed for a fully satisfying sex life. James can take credit for initiating that process far sooner. Teenagers, also victims of our puritanical mores, remain ignorant of their sexual potential. Rather than suppressing this natural appetite, James has opened up a whole new world to our middle and high school students who remain unhealthily focused on their studies. I propose copies of this book in every classroom!  

Every age can rejoice in this new wave of freedom, so desperately needed in our overly intellectual culture, where the mind is valued far more than the body, where education and morals are prized over our God-given instincts and appetites. 

I am pleased as well to inform you that James has partnered with several companies to provide a whole range of sex toys, so that every bedroom in the western world can now play out their own "50 Shades" fantasies. Finally, with the aid of these whips, silver balls, handcuffs, blindfolds, floggers, vibrators and many other assorted mechanisms and devices, sex can now deliver the full natural pleasure God intended! And more, thanks to these devices, you needn't love or even like your sexual partner to achieve orgasm.  You're freed from relational constraints altogether!

Some have critiqued aspects of James' novel, specifically the bondage, whippings, spankings and other acts of so-called violence and abuse. Nonsense. True sexual freedom means that two people are free to  do whatever they like in the privacy of their own "playroom," even if it include pain and physical restraints. Who are we to judge what is abuse? If this brings even a single person pleasure, what right do we have to curtail that pleasure?  

Some have also complained about the hero's objectification of Anastasia, a 23 year old innocent, who becomes "merely a plaything" to the glitteringly rich Christian Grey. Worriers fret that such behavior will encourage other men to objectify women. Impossible. American men have always seen women as their equal, appreciating their full value--mind, body, heart and soul. And American women are secure in their own identities,  feeling little or no pressure to please men. In fact, perhaps the world would be better off with a little more female submission? This may be James' most brilliant stroke yet----delivering a much-needed corrective to feminism.  

If any objections remain, consider this final point: the heroine is well-compensated for whatever small pains she experiences. She is showered with expensive gifts: a car, jewelry, even rides in his own private helicopter---imagine! This struggling college grad's  entrance into his fabulously wealthy world reveals the story's true heart:  this is a Cinderella story for our day, where rags become riches---more than enough compensation for trivial discomforts.

But Anastasia is not the only beneficiary. The societal benefits of James' rising influence are already obvious. James herself is a multi-millionaire, enjoying the well deserved rewards of her artistic labors and sacrifice. Middle-aged housewives everywhere are interested in sex again, delighting their husbands and thrilling all their new lovers. Sex toy factories are busy hiring new workers, teenagers are gaining needed sexual experience in preparation for marriage, and much more. But most of all, James, (dare I call her St. James?) has begun to liberate us from that repressive cloud of religiosity that has suffocated common sense and natural human freedoms. Perhaps, thanks to St. James,  the day is soon coming when we are all freed to pursue our own sexual appetites just as we choose. Imagine the day when our TV screens, Hollywood and the Internet are no longer populated by stiffly dressed, puritannical do-gooders who care only about the public good, and who behave as though sex were nonexistent? Or worse, as though it were strictly private and personal?

Three cheers to E. L. James, who in a world wracked with violence and injustice, has correctly diagnosed our culture's deepest need---and who offers an achievable personal solution: sexual liberty and orgasmic pleasure for all!

If you are as deeply disturbed as I am about this new "sexual revolution," would you help spread the word about this noxious book and movie? And--why have I written this as satire? As Flannery O'Connor has said, when people are deaf, sometimes you have to shout. 

Blessings and Thank you,